He said he doesn’t know what love is.
It’s been a while since I’ve blogged about something, but this seemed like a relevant topic.
My boyfriend and I have our ups and down in our relationship. Most of our fights are about him working too much or him constantly drinking with his coworkers cause they’re all stressed at work.
Call me a sore-loser, but I had my fair share of drinking during my college years from stress; blacking-out, hungover that lasted for days, and so forth. I learned from my mistakes, that nothing good came out of it except a 15+ lb weight gain and beer belly from beer pong, funneling, and shotgunning 8 beers every day from Thirsty Thursday to Shit-faced Saturday..
Although I know trust is a big key in a relationship, my past problems constantly haunts me making it waiver. I tell him I need reassurance, but he’s not big on emotionally showing it.
Through our constant argument, I asked him if he loved me and he became silent, but hugged me tighter; his silent was deafening to my ear, so I asked him again, ”Do you love me?” He responds, “I don’t know. I don’t know what love is.”
This really broke my heart and I started to cry. Why? I’m not too sure. Was it cause he couldn’t tell me he loved me? or the fact that he said he doesn’t know what love is or how to love?
I was recently reading another blog and came upon an email sent by an anonymous reader:
I am trying to find some sort of logical reason how that person who I am keep trying to establish a healthy relationship just let me lose him again.
He says he doesn’t know what love is. He says he has never felt it. Only has been told that it’s something amazing and fantastic and wonderful… But he doubts he has ever experienced it.
This made me want to find the right way to explain it to him - or maybe just to myself - what LOVE is.
Because I’ve been there, it happened to me. I guess love is an instant thing. It’s either there or not. And it happens so quickly, you don’t even notice it.
When you meet with that special person the first time, you know nothing about each other. Nothing at all. And despite all the rationality something just happen. You want to spend hours with that person, you want to just listen to what he/she says - even if it would be a big pile of rubbish if it’d come out from somebody else’s mouth.
He/she makes you laugh like no others.
You can be the strongest, most confident person in the whole wide World, but you just can’t stop those shaky legs, don’t seem to be able to put one sensible sentence together - nor stop talking because you are too worried it will get awkward and weird.
At the end of the night of your first date you wish time would stop there and then at that perfect moment - when only the two of you exist in the Universe - would never end.
You’ve just said goodbye 5 minutes ago but you already feel like you have many new stories to tell him/her.
You can’t sleep because all you can think of how great you felt with that person and you are trying to figure how can it be so easy and smooth.
You get changed several times before the next date because you want to make sure you look your best and he/she just won’t be able to take his/her eyes off you.
And then all of a sudden this person becomes part of your every moment in the day.
You can’t focus at work, keep recalling those perfect nights together, call in sick because you want to stay in bed with him/her as long as possible, you are so proud of this person in your life that you want to introduce him/her to everyone from the local postman to you best friends and your family, and this is the person who is the reason why you cancel dinner with your best friend…
And then.. You realize that so much time gone past and that person is still there. And you became one very special and unique thing together that you never want to lose. Hopefully it lasts for a while.
But there are times when it comes to an end. And I don’t know why. I guess as us, humans constantly growing, developing, making changes and decisions in our lives as individuals; creates the chance to grow apart.
And it hurts. And seems like the end of the World has came. And you suffer. Can’t eat or sleep. Want to hate the one, think of every bad and negative you can just remember of but still can’t hate him/her.
This is love. Still. Even if it’s now making you suffer.
And then it starts again.
And you are putting your heart out there for someone else who might break it, but who cares when it’s feels soooo good to have that warm and fuzzy feeling inside for whatever long it lasts? :)
Yes, these are all qualification of ‘being in love’. Love can also be subtle things. It won’t keep you up at night - it’s the reason you sleep well. It won’t distract you at work, but helps you keep focused because you know at home there’s a safe base and a person who thinks the world of you. It isn’t instant - it’s there tonight, tomorrow and the day after, and you find comfort in knowing this. And it’s all the small things. Enjoying a quiet cup of coffee in the morning, leaving a post-it note with a few meaningful words, helping each other with all the dull parts of life; laundry, cleaning, cooking. Love is sharing all those things that make up life. Love is when the sum is greater than the parts. Love is subtle, but in essence so much stronger and powerful than being in love.
Ready-to-eat baked goods, frosting and microwave pizzas may be linked to 20,000 heart attacks — a year. (via What the FDA Ban on Trans Fats Means for the Beloved Doughnut)